Sexual Integrity in a Messed-up World

Last month we convened a national symposium to explore how we, as a church community, might pastorally respond more effectively to those impacted by pornography. While not a fun topic, it is an important one.

Important for three reasons. Firstly, pornography usage has been normalised and is now endemic, and not just among men, or singles.

Secondly, it is now well established to have properties that means its use escalates in frequency and content, and can for many, become addictive.

Thirdly, its consumption elicits deep shame and so is difficult for the user to acknowledge yet alone seek help. In essence porn becomes an unwitting, and in some cases uncontrollable, form of infidelity when present in marriage.

Equal Opportunity harm

While pornography use (and abuse) is more common among men, around 30% of users are now women. That’s when it’s defined in terms of human actors in movies and images primarily accessed via the web.

Other forms, many of which more readily ensnare women, include pornified fan fiction, animated movies (especially anime), and manga cartoons. Like the traditional forms, these can get very dark, cross all sorts of moral boundaries and are equally addictive.

But the harm is not only to those who can’t control their consumption of these various forms of porn. Those in relationship with someone caught in this trap, especially the spouse and children, also suffer.

So significant is the betrayal trauma suffered by the spouse, there is now a burgeoning field of therapy to support them following disclosure by an addicted spouse. Often, it’s the lies and deceit that does the most damage in terms of the trust in the relationship.

Global Impact

It’s important to remember that in many cases the addict is a victim. Some were first exposed at a very young age when their ability to recognise its harms was not yet formed and their brains were still developing.

It’s tempting to think of this as someone else’s problem, that if we are not directly impacted, then it’s not something about which we need to be concerned.

The truth is, we are all impacted to some degree. Its endemic nature creates a culture of objectification of others for our benefit, which plays out in so many ways and places – our workplaces, our schools, our playgrounds and, yes, our homes.

And before we adopt a holier than thou position on this topic, we need to face into our own woundedness and need for healing in our areas of weakness. It’s too easy to think about this as the sinners (porn users) and helpers (the rest of us).

The truth is: we’re all sinners, all wounded, all capable of being helpers and healers. In fact many of the most effective ministers and therapists in this area are recovering addicts themselves.

We need compassion and empathy for our brothers and sisters who are victims of pornography, not judgement and disdain. Only with a change in the culture of shaming can we hope to accompany those ensnared into new life and freedom.

Which is one of the reasons we have include healing activities in our SmartLoving courses. Sexual wounds go deep, and they impact our ability to trust and freely give ourselves in our relationships.

Interior Freedom

The focus of the symposium, with 14 national and international speakers across a range of fields, sought to seed discussion about how to tackle this silent cancer in our midst.

Our own input focussed on addressing this topic when preparing couples for Catholic marriage. Among the many ways that porn negatively impacts marriage, significantly, it doubles the likelihood of divorce.

Moreover, for a Catholic marriage to be valid, both bride and groom need to freely consent to the marriage. If one is porn addicted, their interior freedom is diminished – they may desire to be faithful, but they are incapable of being so without radical intervention, healing and accompaniment.

And if their addiction is not fully disclosed, they undermine the freedom of their fiancé, making the consent of both dubious.

Committing to marriage “freely and without reservation” is an essential requirement of a valid Catholic marriage and goes beyond just avoiding coercive pressures. One needs to be personally free of impediments to commit to the vows one takes, and to be fully informed about the person they are marrying.

Good marriage preparation helps inform a couple to make effective choices to optimise for success in their vocation. Despite porn’s increasing prevalence, couples are often ignorant about its harmful effects.

That means there is plenty of work left to do.

Impacts of harmful pornography on mental, emotional, and physical health

The NSW Parliament has established a Senate Committee to review the harms of pornography and make recommendations to the government of ways that harm might be mitigated. Make your submission before November 1, 2024  here.