Long Live the Ten-Second Kiss
In a world that pulls couples apart, a simple ten-second kiss IS a small act of love with big rewards.
Regular readers of SmartLoving will be familiar with the Connect Kiss – a daily connection ritual we promote to couples. It consists of a smoochy kiss that lasts at least ten seconds.
We recommend it at two key points in our day: the point of separation at the beginning of the workday, and the point of reunion at days’ end.
The morning kiss frames our work as labouring to support our shared life. It helps us to remain mindful of our commitment to fidelity and to stay connected even though we are physically separated.
The evening reunion kiss transitions us from the solo mindset of our individual endeavours to the couple mindset of our shared life. It helps us to re-enter our home as a place of refuge, regeneration, and family relationship.
Kiss to live longer
According to relationship scientist, Dr John Gottman, the goodbye kiss has other benefits – namely adding years to our life. He reports that husbands who kiss their wife goodbye, on average, live an extra four years.
By our maths, that’s the equivalent of a bonus 640 seconds (or almost 11 minutes) above ground for every second invested in kissing. If you’ve ever used the excuse that you don’t have time for a goodbye kiss – you need to find a better one because it literally doesn’t add up.
But really, is it that hard to put ten seconds into kissing our sweetheart? We’re not talking about scrubbing the toilet or pretending to enjoy a burnt dinner. It’s kissing, it takes a mere ten seconds, and we feel great! What’s not to love about that!
Why it works
Gottman differentiates between a ‘peck on the cheek’ and an ‘extended lip-lock’. The longer kiss triggers the release of oxytocin – often called the bonding hormone. It’s a hormone that stimulates a sense of affection, belonging, safety and security – all wonderful for our relationship.
Gottman says it only takes six seconds for oxytocin to be triggered but let’s not quibble over an extra four seconds. God wired us for connection, and oxytocin is His gift to foster bonding in marriage.
Oxytocin is also good for our health through the buffering effect on cortisol – the stress hormone. In a crisis, cortisol primes our body and mind for defensive action, improving the chances of survival.
However, when high levels are sustained over long periods, cortisol is known to have negative consequences for our health, elevating blood pressure and triggering inflammation.
We all face stressful situations in our lives, and many of us live under sustained stress. The calming power of oxytocin released during extended kissing can moderate the harm to our health.
Kiss to Connect
While the research focused on men, the Ten-Second Kiss also works for women. In fact, one study found the effect of oxytocin on reducing cortisol was stronger in women especially during social stress, such as during conflict.
To be sure, kissing is not the only thing that promotes bonding and reduces stress. Slow Hugs and lovemaking will also release oxytocin. Intimate conversation, appreciation, shared recreational activities also strengthen our bond. Exercise, healthy eating, meditation, prayer and gratitude will reduce stress.
These are all good things to do, and we encourage couples to have a range of stressbusting, bond-building habits in their life. However, for maximum impact with minimum effort, for our money the Ten-Second Kiss stands out as effective, easy and enjoyable.
