Three Tools for Better Conflict
Every marriage has conflict. Two imperfect people sharing a home and dealing with all the pressures of modern life? It’s inevitable! But conflict doesn’t have to be destructive.
Whether it’s the sting of misunderstanding, silent withdrawal, passive aggression or a shouty, foot-stomping exchange, conflict shows up regularly in married life. Busyness, stress, and insufficient time together can make these times more frequent and more intense.
But conflict doesn’t have to be damaging to our relationship. Whatever style, temperature or frequency our arguments take, here are three ways to tame the beast.
Tip 1: Pause Before Speaking
Disagreements escalate when we come in hard with emotionally laden statements and judgements. It triggers defensiveness in the other, and before we know it – a minor misunderstanding becomes emblematic of everything wrong with the other person.
Before launching the discussion, we can take a deep breath and remember the moment we looked into our spouse’s eyes on our wedding day. We made a promise that day before family and God, and this is one of the ‘for worse’ times we both anticipated.
God is still backing us, and his promise to give us the grace we need to live our vows well is there if we seek it.
Pausing – and turning our thoughts towards God – allows us to Invite him into the situation. It needn’t be a long prayer, a simple ‘help us, Lord!’ is often sufficient to reset the tone from combat to cooperation.
Tip 2: Listen to Understand
Too often we focus on pressing our point to overthrow the other. But our spouse is not our opponent; they’re our teammate and companion in life.
Approaching a difficult conversation with a mindset of curiosity towards our spouse so that we can understand their perspective, helps us resolve the disagreement more quickly and keep the temperature down.
Curiosity towards our own reactions is also helpful. Asking – why am I reacting this way? – can deepen our understanding of ourselves and help us clarify our message.
Listening to understand – both our own heart and that of our spouse – helps us avoid recurring conflict where we have the same argument repeatedly. The reason that happens, is because we never really connected with our hearts the first time.
Tip 3: Focus on Emotions
All conflict feels threatening and so it’s natural to avoid being emotionally vulnerable with the other. Instead, we refuse to engage, try to out-logic the other, or overwhelm with loud and angry statements.
While anger is an important emotion, it’s usually masking deeper, softer emotions like sadness, anxiety, overwhelm, insecurity, hurt etc. When we stay in our anger, it prevents these deeper emotions from being felt, acknowledged and shared.
Anger is the emotional equivalent of ‘Fight’ in the Fight-Flight survival response. The ‘Flight’ reaction can also show up, often as apathy or stonewalling and is also masking those deeper emotions.
When we are both aroused and using our preferred flight or fight defence ‘emotions’, instead of resolving our conflict situation, it solidifies. Over time and with repeat incidents it calcifies to the point where we no longer trust the other.
However, if we focus on our tender emotions – sharing our own and enquiring of our spouse – it disarms our defences. That enables us to understand each other’s heart and the core issue driving the conflict.
Conflict as growth
As a Sacrament, Marriage is a living sign of God’s love. When conflict happens, instead of seeing it as a failure of love, we can reframe it as a growth opportunity; growth in self-awareness, understanding and intimacy.
In this frame, seasons of high conflict are really just growth spurts; It’s as if our relationship is straining against the limits of intimacy.
When we approach conflict with self-restraint and a mindset of curiosity and vulnerability, it can be the breakthrough moment our relationship needs.
