The Riskiest Place For Our Marriage

A while ago a viral video clip came to our attention. In the video, a marriage counsellor is responding to the claim that 85% of affairs begin at work.  

While the insights presented were quite good, we were curious about the details as that 85% figure seemed high. After considerable searching, we eventually identified the group who conducted the survey: not an esteemed institute of family studies, nor a sociologist or psychologist, or indeed an author of any kind attributed for the work, but rather, an online gaming company! 

Welcome to the world of click-bait commentary with the inevitable infographics all aimed to drive traffic to the source website.  

Having started the digging on the topic we proceeded to look at more credible research. What we found paints a clearer, if sobering, picture of infidelity and its risks, particularly in the workplace. So what is the real ‘state of affairs’? 

The Real State of Affairs 

Most people define infidelity as extramarital sexual involvement; however, many studies have a broader definition that includes emotional involvement. Research is complicated by underreporting and differing interpretations of what constitutes infidelity.  

According to data from the General Social Survey 2022 (USA) around 13% of adults reported they’d had sex with someone other than their spouse while married. While the circumstances are diverse, the research suggests that affairs typically begin in familiar, low-risk environments with repeated contact.  

And this is where the workplace comes in; we spend a lot of time at work, often in stimulating environments collaborating on interesting projects all of which promotes bonding. Add to the mix work travel, social functions with alcohol, team building retreats away from home and the conditions are set for illicit romance.   

Online platforms such as social media and chat rooms were also cited as high-risk environments for emotional infidelity which can escalate to physical affairs. Those old flames and school reunions can reignite romance best left in the past. 

Reflecting on the stats 

While we couldn’t find reliable research to support the claim that 85% of affairs start at work, we do think the workplace is a significant risk factor. Long hours in close proximity and an increase in social acceptance of infidelity provide opportunity.  

And of course, if things are strained at home, the grass can look greener on the other side of our colleague’s desk!   

When work and work relationships become the principal source of meaning and satisfaction in our life, they compete with our marriage for our attention and energy. While we’re naturally drawn to invest more in relationships that are satisfying, it’s also the case, that the relationships we neglect will become less personally nourishing. 

Vocational Hierarchy 

As Christian couples, there’s an important vocational hierarchy we need to maintain. Our primary vocation is the pursuit of holiness. Scripture and the teachings of the Church are clear: God comes first. 

Our second vocation is our marriage. It is supported by the first and also serves it: God’s love is revealed through our love as husband and wife. So neglecting our marriage is a serious affront to God’s order.  

Thirdly comes our work. While work is important to human dignity and flourishing, and the income we earn is a crucial part of sustaining a home and family, work is not meant to be our primary (or secondary) vocation. It’s meant to be in service of the other two.  

As the saying goes: if we’re ‘living to work, instead of working to live’, we’ve got things out of order and our lives become ‘disordered’. Maintaining a ‘right order’ in our vocational priorities protects us against accidently drifting into affairs.  

So do 85% of affairs begin at work? While we can’t verify the number, certainly the workplace – as well as online platforms – are fertile ground for blurred boundaries. Forewarned with this information, and armed with the wisdom of the Church, we can take steps to protect our marriage from the potential intrusion.