What are Love Busters and Love Builders?


Love Builders: a behaviour or gesture which communicates love to you and helps you feel close and connected to your spouse.

Some Examples:

Cherishment

  • Caring for me, being tender and gentle with me
  • Being of service to me, doing things for me that I enjoy
  • Nurturing me, doting on me
  • Affirming my attractiveness
  • Being considerate and thoughtful, giving way to my preference
  • Being protective of me
  • Self-sacrificing to save me from an unpleasant task or reality
  • Listening to me, being interested in my inner life
  • Trusting me with your feelings and inner thoughts, being emotionally open
  • Being truthful and honest with me
  • Providing materially for me
  • Touching me affectionately, hugs and kisses

Respect

  • Expressing appreciation for me
  • Acknowledging the sacrifices I make for the sake of our future
  • Admiring me, especially in front of others (particularly my friends of the same sex)
  • Affirming my strength in body and character
  • Trusting my judgment
  • Allowing me to initiate and be the leader, being willing to follow me
  • Expressing your desire to be close to me sexually
  • Doing things together, recreational companionship
  • Taking care of your appearance, dressing to please me
  • Giving me time to do the things I like to do
  • Supporting me domestically, with house work, child care etc.
  • Showing an interest in the things that I value

Love Busters: a behaviour pattern or action which actively undermines your sense of being loved and destroys your trust in your spouse.

Some Examples:

  • Lying to me or withholding information from me
  • Breaking promises, being unreliable
  • Being emotionally distant or closed, withdrawing emotionally from me
  • Not consulting me when making decisions or disregarding my preferences
  • Conveying that I am just being ‘tolerated’, that my feelings are not important
  • Not talking with me, ignoring me or getting impatient with me when I’m talking
  • Organising me, making commitments for me without consultation
  • Criticising me, especially in the presence of ………..
  • ‘Servicing’ me sexually, not enjoying being physically close to me
  • Nagging me, reminding me of the things I said I’d do
  • Being indifferent to, or not noticing, the sacrifices I make for us
  • Letting your physical appearance go, dressing in unappealing ways
  • Teasing me, especially in front of ………….
  • Making negative judgments about me, jumping to conclusions about my motives
  • Not trusting that I love you or am committed to you
  • Not trusting my judgment, questioning my decisions
  • Not spending time with me doing things I enjoy
  • Spending a lot of time with your friends