Embracing Hope in Our Marriage

Letting go of EXPECTATIONS opens us to God’s grace. 

Like most couples, we stood at the altar on our wedding day with hearts full of dreams of what our married life would bring. We imagined a partnership filled with effortless harmony, where our spouse intuitively anticipated our every need.

But as the years unfolded, reality painted a different picture. Disappointments crept in, and what started as hopeful anticipation, turned into bewilderment, and then to resentment.

That’s where the subtle but profound difference between expectations and hope comes into play. In our marriages, expectations weigh us down like anchors, while hope lifts us up, inviting God’s creative love to work in ways we never imagined.

The Pitfalls of Expectations

Expectations are sneaky. They stem from our deepest desires, which isn’t a terrible thing. We all long for love, respect, and companionship in marriage.

But expectations tend to attach themselves rigidly to specific outcomes. We expect our spouse to remember anniversaries without prompting; to share household chores exactly as we’d like them done; or to always respond with encouragement and empathy after a tough day.

When these expectations don’t happen, we feel let down and betrayed. Our unfulfilled expectations arouse our resentment and expose our entitlement attitudes.

There’s a saying we’ve heard in recovery circles: “Expectation is resentment under construction.” How true that rings in our relationship! When we cling to our version of how things “should” be, we’re setting the stage for frustration.

In marriage, the fall-out of this can manifest as nagging, silent treatments, withdrawal or escalating arguments (to name a few). We start viewing our spouse through a lens of deficiency rather than abundance.

Marriage is a sacrament, a path to holiness where we’re called to mirror Christ’s selfless love. Yet expectations turn it into a transaction: “I’ll love you if you meet my standards.”

This mindset blocks grace, leaving little room for growth or forgiveness. Unmet expectations accumulate, eroding trust and making us question if we’re even compatible anymore.

The Freedom of Hope

Hope, on the other hand, is like holding our desires with open hands. It’s rooted in trust, not control.

While expectations demand a predefined answer, hope offers our longings to God as a prayer, allowing Him to respond in surprising, often better ways.

In marriage, hope means desiring a strong bond but remaining flexible about how it unfolds. It acknowledges that our spouse is human, flawed like us, and that God’s plan might involve detours through challenges.

Hope is especially important in a distressed marriage, where our spouse is distant and our attempts to reconnect are ineffective. Rather than retaliating with grumpiness or withdrawal, hope keeps us showing up, trusting that our efforts, imperfect as they are, are seeds God can grow.

Living Hope in Our Marriages

So how do we shift from expectations to hope in everyday life? It starts with prayer – bringing our unfulfilled desires to God with open hearts.

God created us for union with him, and every longing of our hearts is a manifestation of this core desire. Though we seek fulfilment in our spouse or worldly things, ultimately, they will all fall short.

Aware of our dependency on God, we can approach difficulties with meekness, asking, “To what might God be inviting me?” Instead of demanding change, we can express our needs vulnerably: “I hope we can find more time together; how can we make that happen?”

Practical steps help too. Regularly sharing what we appreciate about the other reminds us of the good already present and counters the negativity bias of expectations. And when disappointments arise, we can pause and reflect: Is this an expectation I’m clinging to, or can I release it in hope?

In the end, embracing hope in marriage isn’t about lowering standards – it’s about elevating our sights through trust in God. It transforms our relationships from deserts of unmet demands into gardens where love can flourish in unexpected ways.

As we journey together in this Jubilee Year of Hope, let’s hold our dreams lightly, check our expectations and invite the Holy Spirit to pour out God’s unfailing grace. After all, in God’s hands, our hopes never disappoint.