Attachment Style and Marriage
Our earliest experiences of love and care profoundly influence what we each bring into our marriage. Attachment Theory illuminates how.
As infants, we are completely dependent on our parents for basic physical needs like food and clothing. We also rely on them to provide affection, stimulation and soothing of distress.
Research shows that the rapid neurological development in newborns responds to environmental cues, such as interactions with parents. In other words, parental nurturing – especially during infancy – has a biological impact on a child’s developing brain.
When parents are consistent in responding to our needs, we learn to trust them and form a ‘secure attachment’. This includes a ‘Secure Base’ from which we can explore the world and a ‘Safe Refuge’ to which we return when anxious or distressed.
These interactions modify brain function, predisposing the child to a pattern of relating that plays out in our adult relationships. Attachment Theory provides insight into the underlying causes of relationship behaviours later in marriage. 
Secure Attachment
When parents to be attuned to their child’s physical and emotional needs, it enables confident exploration and resilience. Responsive parents also take charge when necessary and will stay present to the child when he or she is emotionally overwhelmed.
As parents of five (now adult) children, we find ourselves feeling a little discouraged by this – we simply couldn’t provide this kind of attentiveness all the time to all our children.
Fortunately, the research shows that children don’t need 100% responsiveness to flourish and form secure attachments. They only need parents to hit the mark about 30% of the time. That’s good news for high achieving parents and large families!
As children age, they become more adept at self-soothing and managing their own needs and emotions. Their Secure Attachment Style provides them with the foundation to form healthy adult bonds.
When they marry, they are capable of balanced interdependence, being responsive and empathetic towards their spouse without depending on them for constant validation. An estimated 50% of the population enters adulthood with a Secure Attachment Style.
Insecurely Attached
However, if a child’s needs are not met consistently, they are more likely to develop an Insecure Attachment style. This is a self-protective adaptation to deal with the absence of a secure base and safe refuge.
Insecure Attachment Styles can take one of three forms:
1: Insecure Anxious (~20%) children tend to be needy and demanding, requiring intensive caregiver reassurance. As an adult, this can play out as tending to be controlling in relationships, prone to jealousy and rumination about their partner’s reliability.
2: Insecure Avoidant (~25%) children display strong self-protective independence. As adults, they may struggle to empathise with others and be experienced by their spouses as distant or cold.
3: Insecure Disorganised (~3-5%) children oscillate between anxious and avoidant behaviours. As adults, they have a higher risk of mental health issues and typically have chaotic relationships that are under constant stress.
All of us at times experience stress and anxiety or struggle with empathy. That’s within the normal range of human experience.
Attachment Style describes a predisposition to a behaviour set that emerges from childhood experience. Left unchecked, insecure attachment styles tend cause trouble in our marriages, but it is not immutable.
Because of the enduring neuroplasticity of the brain, people with an insecure attachment style can develop a secure one. That’s where a loving marriage can help.
With exposure to the love and affirmation of an emotionally healthy spouse, many experience the healing of childhood attachment wounds. It’s one of the ways that God acts through marriage with its sacramental graces.
In our many decades of marriage ministry we’ve been both recipients and ministers of healing. For, irrespective of our early life experiences, we all have the room to grow.
