Together again… for stronger and better

Contrary to popular belief, separation does not always end in divorce. Well supported, the process of separation can help a couple address their problems and reconcile stronger and better.

Reconciliation between separated couples is not that uncommon – about 10-15% according to some commentators. Although headed for divorce, these couples reversed course and repaired their union.

For the couple and their children, coming together again is a victory for love. Which is why family therapist and author, Dr William Doherty, worked with the family law court in Minnesota to craft the ‘Second Chances Act’.

The program surveyed spouses in the divorce process on their openness to reconciliation. When there was a matched pair, they were offered counselling and support.

The key was to slow down the divorce timeline to create the window of opportunity for intervention. Doherty commented that once lawyers became involved in a marital dispute, it was like a runaway train that many spouses felt they couldn’t stop.

Doherty’s research showed that around 50% of spouses expressed doubt about the divorce at intake. This declined to 34% as the process advanced and their hearts hardened, reinforcing the benefit of early intervention.

The couples who recovered learned healthier ways of relating. Imagine the difference it would have made if the intervention was even earlier – at the beginning of the marriage.

It’s not about the dishwasher

Marital breakdown is messy and it’s painful. The pain usually begins a long time before formal separation – like Lisa and Jim.

Lisa likes the dishwasher packed a certain way. Her husband, Jim, tries to comply but sometimes forgets or is in a rush. Lisa feels frustrated by the dishwasher situation and hurt that Jim doesn’t seem to care.

Over time, Jim begins to feel belittled by her micro-managing and so avoids the kitchen altogether. Lisa now feels abandoned and that her work in the home is taken for granted. She tries to discuss it, but she becomes emotional and critical.

In reaction Jim gets defensive. He accuses her of being obsessive and controlling. When she flips out, he shuts down, withdraws and refuses to engage.

Both now feel wounded by the other and the issue that triggered the exchange remains unaddressed. That issue is like a weight across the back of the marriage, feeding a sense of hopelessness about the possibility of improvement.

They begin to withhold themselves, to guard their heart and invest in other relationships that meet their needs. Even though they remain in the same home, they are already separating emotionally.

Over time, the distance grows, and when the accrual of issues becomes too weighty, it overwhelms the remaining hope. That’s the tipping point that motivates one or both to initiate a formal separation.

A Respectful Request

All couples have their ‘dishwasher’ issues – points of difference that never seem to get resolved. How can a husband or wife address the problem without escalating the dispute, driving them apart and burdening the marriage?

It’s critical for couples to learn early in their relationship how to initiate and participate in a difficult conversation. The Respectful Request is a SmartLoving framework for addressing an issue without accusation and blame. Key components include:

• Prayerful reflection to understand one’s interior needs and motivations.
• Affirmation of the goodness of the other.
• Vulnerable self-revelation of how the issue is impacting wellbeing.
• A request for an alternative behaviour.

The Respectful Request gives a difficult conversation the best chance of success. But it’s not just about skills or techniques.

It’s also about virtues – the spiritual strengths we all need to live faithful and fruitful lives. Virtues like self-restraint, self-awareness, patience, humility, courage and compassion.

Without virtues, our behaviour is less regulated. It strains our relationships and impoverishes our lives. These virtues are developed through the practice of frameworks like the Respectful Request.

Intimate family relationships are the space in which our spiritual growth is fertilised and tested. When we are hurt in our marriage we have a choice: go the way of separation (taking offense, go on the attack), or lean into the space to forge stronger, better bonds.