Going the distance is easier together
We’ve all heard marriage is a journey, but what happens when it feels like a marathon with no finish line?
Every couple faces trials – tension with family, disappointment or frustration at work, unemployment, or health struggles. What hurts most isn’t always the trial itself – it’s the feeling of being alone in it, especially when our spouse seems indifferent.
We remember one couple from the first SmartLoving BreakThrough workshop. Separated for years, their adult son, hoping for healing, convinced them to come.
They arrived hesitant, weighed down by a complicated history. Something must have shifted for them because six months later, they joined us at a marriage retreat. Not all their issues were resolved, but their son’s prayers and our own stories of struggle sparked new hope and grace.
Their story isn’t rare. Through the BreakThrough course we have seen hundreds of spouses find clarity and peace, unlocking forgiveness and healing in their difficult situations.
Part of the unique strength of this course is its focus on individual growth; there are no couple activities. Participants find wisdom and encouragement, empowering them to bring the best of themselves to their marriage.
Disconnection
In our own marriage, we’ve navigated many seasons of disconnection – like when juggling young kids and demanding careers. Both stretched to our limits, we struggled to be the emotional support the other needed and craved.
When connection fades, a familiar pattern can emerge: one partner might reach out more (pursuit), while the other steps back (withdrawal). The sting of rejection provokes criticism and judgment, which drives the other away even further.
As we alternately seek connection and then give up in discouragement, a cycle of pursuit and withdrawal becomes normalised. When the pattern becomes entrenched, it’s very difficult to break because our emotional defences consolidate to protect our hearts from further hurt.
We want to emphasize – this is a common experience for almost every couple we’ve had the privilege of supporting. It’s also a reality in our own marriage, requiring us to regularly reset and renew our commitment.
Breaking Through
When we get stuck in this cycle, we can feel helpless and hopeless. But just as it was the accumulation of daily choices that took us in this direction, equally, small but significant steps can help us reverse direction.
Recognizing the disconnection pattern is the first step. Finding a fresh path forward is possible alone, but it’s easier with support from outside the marriage, and sometimes, it’s essential.
Over nearly forty years, mentors, spiritual directors, counsellors, and friends have been our lifelines. When we’ve felt overwhelmed by the distance between us, they’ve helped us renounce any destructive patterns and reset our relationship.
At different times, they have encouraged each of us individually to break free of self-righteousness and resistance to forgiveness. By turning us towards God – the God of infinite mercy and generosity – we accessed the grace we needed to restore harmony.
As a Catholic couple, we’re called to reflect God’s love, but without his grace, our marriage is a dim shadow of what it’s meant to be.
So, if your marriage journey feels arduous, don’t think you are alone, and likewise, don’t walk it alone. Reach out to your parish community, join a marriage retreat, or call a faith-filled counsellor.
Seek God’s grace to be the husband or wife he calls you to be – because going the distance is easier together.
