Choosing to Love


Mothers Day Reflection

If there is one thing that makes motherhood so worth celebrating, it’s a mother’s capacity for love for her children. Whether it’s her willingness to give over her body to nourish a newborn, her patience with the endless ‘but why’ questions of a toddler, or the testing rebellion of a teenager, mothers seem to have a special empathy for the heart of their children.

But most mothers will admit that they don’t always ‘like’ their children. There are times when a child’s behaviour can be ugly and testing beyond reason. Mothers may get cross or be deeply hurt by a child, but they rarely revoke their love. Mothers seem to have a supernatural ability to see their children differently to how the outside world views them – they seem to know their heart, to see the vulnerable child within the rebellious teen or even adult.

A mother’s love, however imperfect, is indeed extraordinary, and it offers important insights about love and marriage.

Like our children, there are times when, as husbands and wives, we can be ugly and demanding in our marriages. Whether it’s stress, moodiness or simple selfishness, it’s fair to say that we’re not always all that likeable, and indeed can sometimes be downright obnoxious. At times like these, sustaining our love can feel like it demands a superhuman effort on the part of the other.

But our marriage vows said nothing about being perfect or even likable. The vows we made were to relentlessly love the other. As couples we need to remember that there’s a big difference between ‘liking’ and ‘loving’. Liking is a subjective encounter; whether we like or dislike something or someone is as much about ‘us’ as it is about ‘them’. While it’s almost impossible to like a grumpy, self-absorbed, lazy or insensitive spouse, it is still possible to love them.

Being ‘unlikeable’ is not equivalent to being ‘unlovable’. Our likeability relates to what we do. Our lovability is a function of who we are. We don’t have to do anything in order to earn authentic love; it is a freely given gift that we receive simply for ‘being’.

Our marriage vows didn’t have us promise to like each other ‘all the days of my life’ for the simple reason that that is more an emotional outcome than a choice we can make. It would be as unreasonable as promising that we would never be sad. On the other hand, our decision to love is most definitely something over which we have control.

Love is not dependent on the emotions. Love is not a trade or quid pro quo. It is not exchanged only on condition that the other’s actions make us feel good or their presence likeable. Love is a choice we can make; a choice to value the other as God’s beloved son or daughter… even when we don’t like them!

Love is always a choice. And in marriage couples commit to choosing love every day, most especially those times when we may otherwise dislike the other.

Francine & Byron Pirola

Francine & Byron Pirola are the founders and principal authors of the SmartLoving series. They are passionate about living Catholic marriage to the full and helping couples reach their marital potential. They have been married since 1988 and have five children. Their articles may be reproduced for non commercial purposes with appropriate acknowledgement and back links. For Media Enquiries Please Contact us here

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