What are Love Busters and Love Builders?

Love Builders: a behaviour or gesture which communicates love to you and helps you feel close and connected to your spouse.

Some Examples:

Cherishment

• Caring for me, being tender and gentle with me
• Being of service to me, doing things for me that I enjoy
• Nurturing me, doting on me
• Affirming my attractiveness
• Being considerate and thoughtful, giving way to my preference
• Being protective of me
• Self-sacrificing to save me from an unpleasant task or reality
• Listening to me, being interested in my inner life
• Trusting me with your feelings and inner thoughts, being emotionally open
• Being truthful and honest with me
• Providing materially for me
• Touching me affectionately, hugs and kisses

Respect

• Expressing appreciation for me
• Acknowledging the sacrifices I make for the sake of our future
• Admiring me, especially in front of others (particularly my friends of the same sex)
• Affirming my strength in body and character
• Trusting my judgment
• Allowing me to initiate and be the leader, being willing to follow me
• Expressing your desire to be close to me sexually
• Doing things together, recreational companionship
• Taking care of your appearance, dressing to please me
• Giving me time to do the things I like to do
• Supporting me domestically, with house work, child care etc.
• Showing an interest in the things that I value

Love Busters: a behaviour pattern or action which actively undermines your sense of being loved and destroys your trust in your spouse.

Some Examples:

• Lying to me or withholding information from me
• Breaking promises, being unreliable
• Being emotionally distant or closed, withdrawing emotionally from me
• Not consulting me when making decisions or disregarding my preferences
• Conveying that I am just being ‘tolerated’, that my feelings are not important

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• Not talking with me, ignoring me or getting impatient with me when I’m talking
• Organising me, making commitments for me without consultation
• Criticising me, especially in the presence of ………..
• ‘Servicing’ me sexually, not enjoying being physically close to me
• Nagging me, reminding me of the things I said I’d do
• Being indifferent to, or not noticing, the sacrifices I make for us
• Letting your physical appearance go, dressing in unappealing ways
• Teasing me, especially in front of ………….
• Making negative judgments about me, jumping to conclusions about my motives
• Not trusting that I love you or am committed to you
• Not trusting my judgment, questioning my decisions
• Not spending time with me doing things I enjoy
• Spending a lot of time with your friends