Three Tips for Trust

Relationships thrive when trust is strong. But how do we build it in the first instance, and then recover it if we’ve lost it? Here are three tips to help you build trust and hold on to it.

1: Keep your promises

We all know major betrayals, like an affair, are a clear violation of the explicit promises of the wedding vows. But there are other, less specific, implicit promises in our wedding vows that we all too easily forget in the daily grind. Like the promise to be kind and courteous (I will love and honour you), or to be caring and thoughtful (in sickness and in health), or to be financially responsible (for richer, for poorer).

We might be tempted to think that because we avoid breaking the bigger promises, the smaller broken promises don’t matter so much, but the cumulative impact of these can do as much damage. If we don’t follow through when we say will do something minor –  like to be home at a certain time or to do a particular task – our spouse gets trained to distrust us because we are so unreliable.

If we cannot be trusted in small things, then unconsciously the other will start to distrust us in larger ones as well.

It’s really difficult to keep trusting someone who repeatedly breaks promises. Even if it’s only rarely, the fact that there is an inconsistent record puts the other constantly on the alert for disappointment. Here are some tips about making, and keeping, promises:

• Recognise when you are making a promise – be explicit (to yourself and to your spouse).
• Don’t make promises you can’t keep – to your spouse or to your children. Be realistic about your capacity to deliver.
• When you do make a promise – commit to following through.

2: Speak the truth in love

Lying destroys trust in a marriage and trains your spouse to question your word. Even ‘white lies’, that is mistruths told to avoid hurting your spouse, still hurts, because to lie is to withhold yourself from the other.

Our spouse has a right to know the truth about our lives, our whereabouts, our spending habits, our associations, our thoughts and beliefs. Withholding such information, or allowing our spouse to believe something we know to be untrue about us, is a betrayal of trust.

That doesn’t mean that every random thought or emotion needs to be shared, or that sharing is done with brutal honesty that wounds our spouse unnecessarily. Loving spouses find ways of sharing negative emotions in a way that honours them both.

A habit of dishonesty discredits your word and drives a wedge between you that is very hard to repair. Make a commitment to each other always to speak the truth in love.

• Speak honesty – and kindly!- always. Unregulated bluntness or cruelty is not acceptable.
• Admit your limitations; be honest with yourself and each other.
• Volunteer information before it’s requested, and make a full disclosure. Don’t wait for the other to request information or ask a specific question.

3: Apologise for stuff ups

We all mess up. We all make mistakes, whether it’s promises we break and little white lies that hurt. When it happens, we can undo a lot of the damage by humbly apologizing, asking forgiveness, and doing what we can to rectify the situation.

There is an art to making a good apology, but the most important factor is sincerity. That is helped by seeking to understand the harm and pain we have caused through our actions. A few do’s and don’ts:

• Do accept responsibility. Take ownership of your actions/inactions.
• Don’t make excuses; especially avoid deflecting blame to your spouse.
• Demonstrate your sincerity with reparative action.

When a marriage begins to deteriorate, one of the first complaints is often that the other can’t be trusted. Keeping our promises, speaking the truth in love and apologizing when we err, are three essential strategies for building relational resilience and trust.