Keeping Our Eyes On What Matters
The day after the biggest birthday in the world (i.e. Christmas), is the feast day of St Stephen. He also happens to be the confirmation saint chosen by Byron some 50+ years ago.
As the first Christian martyr, Stephen’s story is featured in Chapters 6 and 7 of the Acts of the Apostles. Selected as one of seven men to assist in preaching the gospel, he is described as “full of grace and power,” and that he “did great wonders and signs among the people” (Acts 6:8).
His zealous preaching got him into trouble with some of the people. As they mobilised to stone him, he gazed into heaven and saw the glory of God and Jesus standing at God’s right hand.
He died with the same prayer on his lips that Jesus prayed from the cross – “Lord, do not hold this sin against them.” (Acts 7:60)
St Stephen had his eyes on heaven, and this inspired him to live for the promise of eternal life with Christ. With total conviction, he preached the gospel, mediated miracles among the people, and faced his death calmly.
Others had their eyes on earthly things and Stephen’s witness filled them with vengeance and violence. They were blinded to the evidence of God’s grace at work in the miracles among the people.
What do we see?
But what about us? When it comes to marriage and family – where do we predominantly fix our gaze?
Do we focus on the blessings and beauty of our shared life or on its disappointments and deficits? Do we fixate on the goodness in our spouse or on their limitations?
We don’t want to suggest that a healthy realism is not tremendously important. Yet it is also true that what we focus on is what tends to grow in significance and impact.
Focus only on problems, and we easily get overwhelmed. Many couples amplify their suffering by fixating on the present issue such that they lose contact with the memory of their glory.
We see this happen a lot with those in the BreakThrough course. These spouses are having a tough time in their marriage and it’s taking all their energy to cope.
When we’re in this state, we develop a kind of selective amnesia. We remember with total clarity the times we were hurt or disappointed by our spouse, yet we struggle to recall how we once were crazy in love.
It’s as if the one hideous Christmas (or Thanksgiving) gathering where everything blew up, eclipses the memories of all the wonderful ones that went before it.
We get what we focus on
But there is a better way. If we redirect our focus to Jesus, to growing in love and holiness, we firstly feel less alone and secondly, less defeated.
All the same problems are still there, but they don’t define us or our purpose and so, they are less intimidating.
We’re not suggesting that we can’t address the problems directly, but simply that it’s better (and easier) to do this with Jesus than alone.
In fact, even that very idea helps reframe the issues from being ‘problems’ to being opportunities for growth – growth in intimacy with Jesus and with our spouse.
When we were training for our motorcycle licence, the instructor demonstrated how simply turning our head caused the bike to turn in that direction. Look straight ahead and the bike righted again.
In other words, the bike tended to go where we focussed our attention.
The same is true in marriage, and most of life, actually. If we take our eyes off Christ, all our choices and plans are carried by our own discernment. That provokes anxiety about a pending decision, and guilt or regret for past ones that didn’t turn out so well.
St Stephen reminds us that when we keep our eyes fixed on the ultimate prize – eternity with Jesus – we can do great things in the world, and in our marriages.
