Echoes from Childhood

Unpacking the hidden ways our earliest bonds influence love and trust in our adult relationships. 

One of the most powerful topics in the SmartLoving Engaged course addresses formation in our family of origin. The family is where we first encounter love and learn to relate with others.  

That’s why the Church calls the family “a school of love”. Parents are our first educators because we learn through them how relationships work and that forms the foundation for our adult relationships. 

No matter how wonderful our families are, they’re all limited and wounded somehow – it’s part of the human condition. The reality is, we’re being formed from childhood for both good and for trouble. 

The Maternal Foundation: Building Trust and Security 

In our early months and years, mothers play a vital role: sustaining us in the womb, nourishing through breastfeeding, and comforting in their arms. For most of us, she was our first and primary source of affection, holding us close and making the world feel safe. 

This oxytocin-empowered bond builds trust, acceptance, and emotional security for adulthood. When mothers respond consistently with warmth and attentiveness, we learn that relationships are reliable havens. Later in our marriage, this enables us to be vulnerable, seek solace from our spouse in tough times, and be nurturing in return. 

But if those early interactions were inconsistent – due to emotional distance, overwhelm, or absence – we may carry fears of abandonment or rejection. Later in life, this can manifest as either anxious clinginess as we subconsciously seek to have that void filled by our spouse, or excessive self-reliance for fear of further wounding.  

The Paternal Spark: Igniting Confidence and Adventure 

As we grow, especially in adolescence, a father’s influence becomes particularly important. Often, it is Dad who encourages us to step out boldly into the world as we approach adulthood.  

A healthy father-child bond fosters confidence, curiosity, ambition, and daring; providing stability and supporting risk-taking. In marriage, this equips us to pursue shared dreams, confront challenges, and lead our family purposefully.  

Yet deficits create issues: absent, critical, or demanding fathers may leave us with low self-esteem, fear of failure, or leadership aversion. Later in life, this can manifest in us being prone to perfectionism, workaholism, or an aversion to responsibility – common responses to unresolved paternal approval needs. 

Hotspots in our marriages 

Often in our marriage we find an innocuous behaviour from our spouse triggers an outsized, negative reaction from us. These situations almost always leave us hurt or angry, and our poor spouse confused and bewildered!  

This happens because our spouse has hit a ‘hotspot’; an unresolved, hidden wound from our childhood. Sitting buried in our subconscious, their action hits a raw nerve, and the wound comes roaring to the surface.  

While never fun, if we understand what is happening, we can claim these incidents for a good purpose. Rather than reacting with indignation and blaming our spouse, we can ask ourselves: “why am I reacting this way?”   

It’s a question that invites us to step back from the intensity of the moment, and with curiosity and compassion examine our past. That allows us to uncover the resonance between the present incident and our childhood wounds.  

From there, we have options: we can stay stuck and let these old wounds drive our present relationship. Or we can seek healing and resolution through prayer and the love of our spouse, or if necessary, professional therapy.  

In fact, we’ve often joked that being married, is like being in an immersive therapy session! Our spouse’s love can be the corrective emotional experience that heals the wound and resets our reactive response.  

We’ve collided hard with our childhood wounds many times in our marriage, and it takes humility to let go of blame, because blaming our spouse enables us to avoid feeling the pain.  

But that’s the way of stagnation and it’s not good for us or our marriage.  

Rather, these echoes from childhood are not a curse but an opportunity for growth. And that’s exactly how God planned it. As we journey together in matrimony, God invites us to choose life and freedom.